1. Ice cream is better than frozen yogurt. You know how I know? Ice cream is so much worse for you.
2. Star Wars>Star Trek (I put this mathematically so that geeks would know what I'm talking about).
3. Philadelphia sports fans are obnoxious (Exhibit A:Man Charged with Vomiting on Little Girl).
4. Seeing dead people is a bad thing.
5. Confucius was high as shit. (Confucius say man who stands on toilet is high on pot).
6. Joe Theismann's leg was never supposed to bend that way (see the first three minutes of "The Blind Side" or Daaaaaaaaaaamn.).
7. My dad could beat up your dad. (Come at me bro).
8. "Haha" is code for "Generic Awkward Response". (GAR is a trademark of Illiteracy Industries).
9. Google will eventually be a religion.
10. "Poop" is the hardest word to say without laughing, smiling, or showing genuine mirth (until you're a parent, and then it's "nap").
Things I wonder about:
1. How much bacon before heart attack?
2. Is L. Ron Hubbard or is he not snickering from on high?
3. Do famous people take pictures of us?
4. How could Noah forget the Dragons?
5. Where do babies come from?
6. Why would kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
7. What don't women get about men?
8. Is Kim Kardashian's ass real? What are bath salts really for?
9. Could my dad really beat up your dad? (Yes, he could, now that I think about it).
10. And of course, how many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie pop (although I'm sure there have been studies done on this)?
Things that should never happen:
1. Hurricanes.
2. China (the plate kinds, not the country).
3. Midget High-jumpers. (or should they?)
4. Asparagus.
5. Zombie Strippers (see NetFlix).
6. Integral e^x for those that think this is funny.
7. A Mexican Ski-jumping gold medalist (wait for it...).
8. Arthritis.
9. Salsa, spicy mustard, soy sauce, olive oil dressing.
10. All-natural, imitation crab meat
Things I must see before I die:
1. The Grand Canyon.
2. The Queen of England riding a mechanical bull.
3. The Giants beat the Eagles resoundingly (without an Eagles comeback).
4. Dead People. Bruce Willis. Detective John McClane.
5. A Mexican Ski-jumping gold medalist.
6. Live Mitch Hedberg Stand-up. (Look, if Tupac can be a hologram...)
7. A wild Siberian Tiger. (From a safe distance)
8. Friends with benefits. (Yeah, I'll believe they exist when I see them).
9. A curling match to the death.
10. Hogwarts.
