Tuesday, August 7, 2012

"Rotting Dead Flowers" for 200, Alex

Things that I know for certain:

1. Ice cream is better than frozen yogurt.  You know how I know?  Ice cream is so much worse for you.
2. Star Wars>Star Trek (I put this mathematically so that geeks would know what I'm talking about).
3. Philadelphia sports fans are obnoxious (Exhibit A:Man Charged with Vomiting on Little Girl).
4. Seeing dead people is a bad thing.
5. Confucius was high as shit.  (Confucius say man who stands on toilet is high on pot).
6. Joe Theismann's leg was never supposed to bend that way (see the first three minutes of "The Blind Side" or Daaaaaaaaaaamn.).
7. My dad could beat up your dad.  (Come at me bro).
8. "Haha" is code for "Generic Awkward Response".  (GAR is a trademark of Illiteracy Industries).
9. Google will eventually be a religion.
10. "Poop" is the hardest word to say without laughing, smiling, or showing genuine mirth (until you're a parent, and then it's "nap").

Things I wonder about:

1. How much bacon before heart attack?
2. Is L. Ron Hubbard or is he not snickering from on high?
3. Do famous people take pictures of us?
4. How could Noah forget the Dragons?
5. Where do babies come from?
6. Why would kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
7. What don't women get about men?
8. Is Kim Kardashian's ass real? What are bath salts really for?
9. Could my dad really beat up your dad? (Yes, he could, now that I think about it).
10. And of course, how many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie pop (although I'm sure there have been studies done on this)?

Things that should never happen:

1. Hurricanes.
2. China (the plate kinds, not the country).
3. Midget High-jumpers. (or should they?)
4. Asparagus.
5. Zombie Strippers (see NetFlix).
6. Integral e^x for those that think this is funny.
7. A Mexican Ski-jumping gold medalist (wait for it...).
8. Arthritis.
9. Salsa, spicy mustard, soy sauce, olive oil dressing.
10.  All-natural, imitation crab meat

Things I must see before I die:

1. The Grand Canyon.
2. The Queen of England riding a mechanical bull.
3. The Giants beat the Eagles resoundingly (without an Eagles comeback).
4. Dead People.  Bruce Willis.  Detective John McClane.
5. A Mexican Ski-jumping gold medalist.
6. Live Mitch Hedberg Stand-up. (Look, if Tupac can be a hologram...)
7. A wild Siberian Tiger.  (From a safe distance)
8. Friends with benefits.  (Yeah, I'll believe they exist when I see them).
9. A curling match to the death.
10. Hogwarts.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Perfect Storm of Movie Roles

If you've never seen Leaving Las Vegas, then you will never know the true potential of Nicholas Cage.    Let me explain: Nicholas Cage is an Oscar-winning actor, and he won it for playing an Elvis impersonator in Leaving Las Vegas.  Now, I know what you're thinking: is this the same Nick Cage that recently reprised his celebrated role in the movie Ghost Rider 2? Indeed, it is exactly this man.

Of course, I can understand you confusion because when I say "celebrated", I don't really mean it.  He's an awful actor (no offense Nick), so how could he possibly win an Oscar?  The answer is simple really, and I didn't realize this until about an hour ago, but Nick Cage IS an Elvis impersonator.  He's not playing one.  Don't believe me?  Watch the National Treasure movies and count how many times his upper lip quivers during a pause.

Well, naturally, this got me thinking...hmmm, what other celebrities found their perfect movie niche?  Who else just happened to be in the right place at the right time in their movie stardom?  And this is what I came up with...

Sean Connery as James Bond.  This man has had the same Scottish accent in every single movie since Bond.  Even when he plays Indy's father, I half expected him to pick up Elsa.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator.  I'm not convinced he ISN'T a fleshy-face robot just yet.

Helen Mirren as the Queen.  To me, all older British women look the same.

John Heder as Napoleon Dynamite.

Harrison Ford as President James Marshall.  I voted for him in the last election anyways because he does not negotiate with terrorists.

That guy that looks like Superman as Superman.  'Nough said.

Heath Ledger as the Joker.  Try watching Brokeback Mountain without thinking how he got those scars.

James Earl Jones as Mufasa.  (Maybe not, but hey, gotta plug TLK man).

John Stamos as Uncle Jesse.  This is not a movie character, but as my hair dresser pointed out, who else could rock a mullet like that and still be cool?

Jeff Bridges as The Dude, and then the Dude as Matt Flynn from Tron.  If you watch the movie Tron: Legacy, The Dude is all over the damn place in there...man.

Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones.  If anyone could find the grail, it would not be punk ass King Arthur.  It would be Harrison Ford.

Dobby as Dobby.  How else is a House-elf going to find work?  In the Hogwarts kitchen?

Boris Karloff as Frankenstein.  Dude already had the square-shaped head.  Affix a few bolts to his neck and paint him green and push him down some stairs so that he gets a bunch of scars, and Voila!  Frank.

Ian McKellen as Gandalf.

Sydney Poitier as Mr. Tibbs.  Damn.  This guy was Denzel before Denzel was Denzel.

Burt Reynolds as the Porn Star from Boogie Nights.  I actually think that dear Burt inspired '70s porn actors to grow the 'stache, thus fitting that his 'stache should reprise its role in Boogie Nights.

Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller. (Because then he married Sara Jessica Parker and it all went down hill from there)

And finally...
Han Solo as Harrison Ford.  Yeah you begin to realize that people just write parts that would make a great Harrison Ford.

The moral of the story is that somewhere out there, we each have our perfect part to play.  I personally cannot wait for the guy that does the Kermit voice to retire so that I may finally exercise my greatest talent.  For you, it could be anything.

Toodles.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Sample Piece


So, I write, and I figure this would be a good way of getting it out there, eventually.  This is the first part of the first chapter.  If you're interested in reading more, do let me know.  I can get that to you.

           Darth Ruin, Lord of the Sith, stepped forward, his pale skin glowing in the spot light, his violet cloak wrapped around his shoulders loosely.  His fingers brushed against the stone wall, releasing tendrils of energy into the cavern to grasp the nature of his surroundings.  This was indeed a very old and evil place.
            Master…Master…
            The wall echoed his energy, calling his name, eager to divulge its secrets.  It seethed with the hatred of its long-dead masters.  Jagged scrawl marred its every inch, the testament of tortured souls enslaved by the ancients and drugged until they saw nothing but the future.
            The spotlight moved before him of its own accord, tracing his silhouette against the wall so that he could see what the poor souls had written in their madness.  As he walked along the cavern, he could feel it drawing closer, the object of his fascination, like a second pulse in his chest, as intoxicating as the fear and rage he used to fuel his extraordinary powers.
            Be mindful of your feelings, Lord Ruin, lest they betray you.
            His hand drew away from the wall momentarily, retracted as if shocked by some kind of electrical current.  He took in all that was written before him, all that was highlighted by his spotlight, every curve and point of the graffiti, noting that there were several layers of it overlapping upon the stone, and his lips drew up into a sneer.  Apparently there had been several different masters of this chamber, each one likely the murderer of his predecessor.  Such was the way of his ancestral Sith: the strong alone should rule.  Weakness was punishable by a swift death.
            But you are not them.  You will not fail as they did.
            “Focus.  Control.  Logic.”
            He more breathed the mantra than said it, content with the words being barely audible.  Even still, alone and underground, the whispers echoed off the stone and began to mingle with the strained cries of the prophecy he was searching for.
            Remember why you came to Tython.
            Without hesitation, but with much more restraint, he placed his hand against the wall again, dangling his mind out past his fingertips like a worm on a hook.  The wall took hold, biting into his consciousness, tearing him into compressive darkness.
            And still, he walked with practiced grace, slowly moving along the stone, eyes closed, breath kept tightly to himself, his other hand clasped against his chest, tucked inside his robes.  He resembled an elderly diplomat, using the wall for support as if his legs lacked the strength to hold himself upright.  In fact, he was leaning against the stone at an unnatural angle as if gravity had shifted all of the sudden to accommodate his eagerness.
            He twisted the very fabric of nature, destroying the laws of science, an ability given to him by his prowess with the Force, the energy of all things, which permeated through the Galaxy.  Like the tortured souls that wrote the scrawl, he enslaved it to his will.  He lured the prophecy in, pulling his eyes open with great effort so that he could see this thing that had drawn him here to Tython.
            At that very moment, a bright ping sounded in his mind, and he recoiled, simultaneously surprised by the noise and disgusted with himself that he could be so careless.  Instead of seeing the prophecy’s marker, his vision was stolen by a ball of a bright white light burrowing through the layers of sediment into his cavern.
            He tuned his mind to the disturbance as if he was peering into the epicenter of a ripple on a placid pond, slowing focusing in on the source of danger that had jarred him from his objective.  Its edges coalesced in to a muscular mass of fur and fangs, confirming his suspicions as to whom had followed him here, whom it was that caused the ping in the Force.
            Snarling wildly under his breath, his movements lost their fluidity, stagnated by panic and desperation as he searched for the prophecy.  The spotlight jumped and danced around the wall as he lost his grip on the Force completely.
            Control, Lord Ruin!
            But his mind went off again, this time more of a scream than a ping, wrenching his thoughts away from the chamber again.  He tapped into the Force once more, scanning past the ball of light to a second shape which was moving behind it, storming down the tunnels like the bright light’s tail.  This was darker, a fuzzier gray shape that would not come together even under the Sith Lord’s intense scrutiny.
            It is over.  This is a fight that you cannot win.
            Always a man to play the odds, he swatted the air haphazardly, and the spotlight seemed to follow the motion, cascading against the wall and then tumbling into the floor.  Just as his enemy reached the opposite end of the chamber, the harsh, fluorescent light gasped and sparked, shorting out in a puff of smoke.


NOTE: LUCASFILM CO. OWNS ALL OF STAR WARS, AND THE ASSOCIATED EXPANDED UNIVERSE, NOT ME.  I DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO THINK OTHERWISE.
All the characters in this story (except for Darth Ruin) are of my own creation and are original works belonging to Bryan Richard Thurston (me).  Any of the surrounding canon mentioned belongs to Lucasfilm Inc. (Darth Revan, Aurek fighters, Coruscant, etc) and are products of previous authors.  See Wookieepedia for a detail of who owns what.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Veggie Tales

Top Ten Reasons I will never be Vegetarian...

10. Hunger.  Veggies simply are not filling.  I wan them to be.  This is why I eat so many salads, but every time I eat salad for dinner, I eat a sandwich immediately thereafter.
9. Overpopulation.  They say that eating vegetarian can reduce fat deposits in your arteries thus increasing your life span significantly.  This is unnecessary.  I don't want to live longer than I'm supposed to.  That is just selfish.
8. My Dad.  I would rather eat meat than have to explain to my dad why I am not eating meat.
7.  Canines.  Not the dogs, the teeth.  I have them.  It would be a silly waste not to use them while they are not yet dentures.  Perhaps when I get dentures, I will ask the dentist to make them all molars.  Then I should be vegetarian.
6. Texas.  Think of how sad they would be if no one ate meat anymore.
5. Cavemen.
4. Veggie Dogs.  Aside from the fact that I find it extraordinarily hypocritical for someone who thinks its a appalling to eat animals to eat something shaped like an animal byproduct, if I ever met someone who ate a Veggie Dog and thought, "Hey, I could eat that again," I simply could not trust them.
3. Canadian Bacon
2. Maple Bacon
1. Bacon

*Canadian Bacon is listed as the lesser of the three bacons.  In fact, it almost did not make the list, Canada, but the fact that you have your own variety emphasizes my point.